Home > Humor, Jokes > Dear Kotex,

Dear Kotex,

 **Recently, a poster alerted to me to the fact that another blogger originally wrote this.  The writer of the blog is Underpaid Kept Woman.  I originally recieved the Dear Kotex joke in an email from a friend an didn’t know who had written it.  My apologies to it’s author.

Dear Kotex:

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a
bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it.
Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products…
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.  Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell…but go ahead…I triple-dog-friggin-dare-ya.See what happens and report back. I’ll wait.
 
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps…well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating..sleeping, bitching, or crying for no apparent reason…and oh…does ripping someone’s head off count as a friggin’ activity?????

Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on their feminine
hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don’t ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that…helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

.

Categories: Humor, Jokes
  1. September 29, 2006 at 10:51 am | #1

    Hahah! This made me giggle, the word “ovaries” usually does for some reason. Anyway, a few things:

    a) Kotex is just the funniest sounding brand name known to man.

    b) They should put some sports trivia on the packages instead for the men who have to go out and get them in the middle of the night.

    c) Shots of bourbon should come in just about every thing, from disposable contact lenses to driving manuals.

    Good stuff!

  2. September 29, 2006 at 2:17 pm | #2

    ROFL! That was awesome. My femine product favorite pet peeve is who the hell invented those tampons WITHOUT applicators. Damn effin disgusting. Had to be a man. lol.

  3. September 30, 2006 at 8:10 pm | #3

    You forgot to mention that thing about stuffing that head into the vending machine that didn’t have any chocolate!

    I had a hysterectomy almost two years ago. Complete. I have been hormone free, ie medication. I recently went through the grieving process of having an empty belly…and found that I can still crave sex…ummm better than I used to. Go figure. I didn’t dry up and die like I thought I would. Now I just need to find the right? is that possible?…man.

    Next! The bladder! What to do with that damned bladder that wants to leak when I cough! Stupid doctr should have fixed that too…but what does he know…he pees stanfing up and doesn’t have to cross his legs. he can just grab it and run! (sorry if this seemed bloggish…needed to vent…smiles)

  4. October 6, 2006 at 1:29 pm | #4

    i just got my computer back from “The Geek Squad”, and found out that my posts did go through…but, better yet i found something that made people laugh, which makes me feel good.
    right now, i’m eating chocolate and potato chips like there’s no tomorrow and my back feels like it broke it two…i hate having my period…but, i think it’s cool that we can take time to laugh about it.
    peace,
    soul

  5. CreditWhenDue
    October 23, 2006 at 1:45 am | #5

    You really should credit the actual author, http://underpaidkeptwoman.blogspot.com/2006/01/year-of-dog-or-ooooh-ooooh-kotex-woman.html instead of claiming it as your own.

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